I saw the new Star Wars film.

I went to see the new Star Wars film the other day. I enjoyed it. It started with a chappie called George Kirk in a space ship, along with his wife, Cameron Fromhouse. Then this evil dude, a Roman, turned up from a stargate in space. George Kirk goes all emo, and tells everyone to leave, then destroys the ship and himself.

Cameron flies out into space in a puddle-jumper and gives birth to Anakin Skywalker, who was a child of the Force, and thus didn’t have a dad. This makes Anakin all moody so he spends his childhood stealing cars off a long-suffering Greg Grunberg and drives them off various cliffs. Robot policemen then tell him off.

Meanwhile on the planet Tatooine, a young Spock is being taught stuff in a learnie-pod. Then well-educated emotionless bullies pick on him, so he whups their collective asses as punishment.

Then Spock gets older and he turns into Sylar. Sylar, presumably, spent years travelling around the planet stealing powers off the other pointy-eared elf dudes. Eventually he is clever enough to apply to space-university. But the Dean (that crusty old Dean) of the space-university disses his mum, so he cuts open the Dean (that crusty old Dean)’s head and steals his powers of being old and crusty. He then runs away and joins up to the Rebel Alliance.

Meanwhile Anakin Kirk also joins the Rebel Alliance, because some old guy that looks like Lundy told him to.

Three years pass, really quickly.

Anakin tries to cheat on a test that Sylar made, and Sylar gets really moody, but instead of slicing his head open, he instead takes him to space-court. Then the Death Star attacks Sylar’s home world of Tatooine, so everyone scrambles to get to their space ships so they can go have a space war. Both Sylar and Anakin end up on the Millennium Falcon, but for some reason Agent Lundy Pike is in charge. But then Lundy wanders off and Sylar is put in charge.

The Death Star destroys Tatooine, and Anakin gets dumped on some ice planet. He gets stolen by an abominable snowman that keeps him upside down in a cave, and then tries to eat him. To stop it eating him, Anakin uses the force to get his lightsaber and he cuts off the creatures arm. He runs out blindly into a blizzard and get really chilly. Luckily Dennis Quaid shows up on a space-camel, and he kills it, and they cuddle up in its guts.

It turns out that Dennis Quaid is actually Sylar from the future, who came back in time along with the Romans. Luckily they meet up with Simon Pegg and Yoda, and because Simon Pegg is really clever, and they teleport back onto the Millennium Falcon. Anakin goes and taunts Sylar about his dead mum (Sylar stabbed her with some scissors ‘cos she had too many snowglobes) and Sylar goes all mental and levitates Anakin and slams him against the wall of the spaceship. Sylar then gives up on being captain, and Anakin gets the job, despite just being really unkind to Sylar.

Anakin then flies the Millennium Falcon towards Earth in an attempt to stop the Romans destroying the planet. Anakin and Sylar get over their differences, and are teleported onto the ship. When on the ship, Sylar steals the spaceship that belonged to his future self, played by Harrison Ford, and leads the Roman spaceship into deep space. Meanwhile Anakin rescues Captain Agent Lundy Pike, and Sylar gets a bit emo and crashes his ship into the Death Star. This makes a black hole, but luckily Simon Pegg manages to teleport Sylar, Agent Captain Pike Lundy and Anakin back onto the Millennium Falcon.

Everyone then goes home and are given medals. The crew of the Millennium Falcon go and celebrate with the Ewoks, and the surviving people of Tatooine work together to start a new colony.

Sylar from the future marries Princess Leia and Anakin gets given his own ship, and the film ends.


A few points. Why is it that in Star Trek, half of the aliens are just normal people with body paint and a bit of putty. Example, one ‘alien’ was just a normal person who was green. Vulcans, Romulans and Klingons are just people with nose and ear putty. But the other ‘aliens’ just look like people made out of lumps and tumours, like Hermiod.

NOW BYE!