A day of things and that

Hello!

Yes, I know it has been several weeks since I last posted, but I have a very good reason for this.


Anyway, yesterday I was up at university in order to attend my three lectures for the day. The first was a lecture about how to teach children to respect what crazy people think, which is known in teaching circles as ‘R.E.’
As R.E. is the most pointless subject in the word, I decided to spend the hour and a half sleeping with my eyes open. Here’s a hint for anyone who is ever on a teaching course, if you ever get asked a question and you didn’t hear it or don’t know the answer, just say ‘inclusion’ as 80% of the time that will be a satisfactory answer.

Did you know that teachers will often miss out R.E. in order to get extra time for other lessons? I think that’s a great idea.

Our lecture on the teaching was cancelled so I went to the dining room to pick up some wheat-based snacks. I chatted briefly with Margaret, nodded to Chris The Praying Mantis Lady, and then headed off to the computer room for a couple of hours.

After lunch I had a geography lecture. As geography lectures go, it was a good one. Unfortunately the geography lady looks exactly like this:


Which can be a little off-putting.

My last lecture was Design & technology, and we were split into four groups and told to build the tallest tower using newspaper and sticky tape. Our group clearly won, which sent Jason into paroxysms of rage. I continued to goad him until he snapped, demolished his tower like an infuriated Godzilla, and then elbowed Becca in the nose. Hilarity ensued. My group managed to build the tower, which if you want to know what it looks like, imagine the Eiffel Tower only made of newspaper and taller. That’s what ours was like.

I saw three legends that day, I saw Betfred Man shuffling about, as well as Scrunched Face Lack of Hat Man walking purposefully somewhere, and then at the end of the day both Stephen and me saw What a Strange Man walking towards the university. All in all it was a good day.


Fun Fact

Marc Warren’s favourite fruit is cherry, but he has never eaten one.

A new film, directed by Ron Glass

I was searching around on the internet earlier today when I came across this film I had never heard of before. My attention was drawn when I noticed that it was directed by the legendary Ron Glass. Below is a poster for the film, and a brief description of the storyline. It sounds amazing!

Scuffle Society.

This dark comedy thriller explores a society of increasingly emasculated men. Ron Glass (Ron Glass) is a thirty year old insomniac working for an emotionless car company, whose life is a monotonous spiral of consistent boredom. But one day he meets the enigmatic, and dynamic, Alan Tudyk (Alan Tudyk) and his life is changed forever.

“Your eyes will literally explode!!” The Daily Mail

“Tudyk presents his slipperiest performance to date” Anglers Weekly

“So, are Ron Glass and Alan Tudyk like the same person in the film or what? I didn’t really get it. Violent too.” The Idiot’s Press

After searching round a bit more, I found a plot synopsis someone had written. Apparently Alan Tudyk starts up some sort of ‘Scuffle Society’ where men gather to scuffle and thus reassert their flagging masculinity. However the society expands in members and goals, to the point where Ron Glass doesn’t feel they are fully in control. The society graduates to acts of vandalism, bordering on terrorism, and then Alan Tudyk disappears. Ron Glass then has to come to terms with the fact that Alan Tudyk is actually just another side to his personality – but can he do this in time to stop the headquarters of ten credit card companies being blown up? No, he can’t.

Apparently Ron Glass was criticised for the violence and language used in this film, as well as the film being massively over-budget, at $8 Billion USD. The reason for this was that Ron Glass insisted that the actual headquarters of ten actual credit companies had to be blown up for the finale of the film. Ron was then further criticised for not telling anyone that the headquarters were going to be blown up, and thus caused the deaths of 38,000 employees. When questioned by the press, Ron Glass was quoted as saying that it ‘was necessary for the realism of the film’.

Things that occurred today

I woke up this morning after a slightly irritating dream involving Tom Hanks. I’d watched ‘The Da Vinci Code’ shortly before bed, and it seemed to have influenced my sleeping mind. My dream involved me and Tom Hanks going pot-holing in rural North Yorkshire. I kept asking about his illustrious cinematic career, but he kept ignoring my questions, and was being deadly serious about the dangers of pot-holing. It took me some time to realise that I wasn’t actually pot-holing with Tom Hanks, I was pot-holing with Robert Langdon, Tom Hanks’ character from ‘The Da Vinci Code’. I found this much less interesting than caving with Tom Hanks, and soon woke up.

After waking up I got dressed and did morningy things. Lunch occurred around midday, and I passed the early afternoon playing a long game of ‘Eels and Escalators’ with Stephen. We set off early to work, in order that we could go sign up for the Long Walk. The Long Walk is an activity set up by the University of Hull. One hundred people sign up, and all are taken to Hull University Campus. Once there the 100 candidates start walking. All the entrants have to walk at a pace of at least 4 miles per hour. If you drop below that speed, you lose one of your 3 lifelines. If though you manage to walk at 4 mph for a solid hour, you will regain a lost lifeline. Woe betide anyone who loses all three lifelines, as they will be shot dead by the convoy driving alongside the walkers. The last person walking gets to donate some money to charity. It’s a fun tradition that the whole family can enjoy.

Anyways, after signing up me and Steve went to work, where Margaret sent us to collect the hospitality from five different rooms. I promptly forgot all of the rooms, but luckily Stephen could remember them, what with him and his memory. We did very poorly at this task. The first two rooms we had to empty were both locked, so we had to wait for this error to be rectified. Once the rooms were open we emptied all of the trays and cups and other crud onto the trolley. When we wheeled the trolley away we managed to pull a load of leaflets off the wall, so we did the grown-up thing of just leaving them there to be trodden into the muck. We headed back to the lift, and a glass fell off the side of the trolley and shattered, filling the lift’s door closing mechanism with shards of glassy grit. The next room was emptied with no trouble, but the last two rooms still had people in, so we just left the stuff.

Stephen disposed of the broken glass without telling anyone, which is always the best idea, because then no-one knows that you ever did anything wrong.

Kaz didn’t come into work today because he was too busy being a tyke. Good thing really, ‘cos if he had come in he probably would have tried to sell me crack again, and my willpower can only hold out so long. I do love my crack.

END OF BLOG POST. GO NOW.

I saw the new Star Wars film.

I went to see the new Star Wars film the other day. I enjoyed it. It started with a chappie called George Kirk in a space ship, along with his wife, Cameron Fromhouse. Then this evil dude, a Roman, turned up from a stargate in space. George Kirk goes all emo, and tells everyone to leave, then destroys the ship and himself.

Cameron flies out into space in a puddle-jumper and gives birth to Anakin Skywalker, who was a child of the Force, and thus didn’t have a dad. This makes Anakin all moody so he spends his childhood stealing cars off a long-suffering Greg Grunberg and drives them off various cliffs. Robot policemen then tell him off.

Meanwhile on the planet Tatooine, a young Spock is being taught stuff in a learnie-pod. Then well-educated emotionless bullies pick on him, so he whups their collective asses as punishment.

Then Spock gets older and he turns into Sylar. Sylar, presumably, spent years travelling around the planet stealing powers off the other pointy-eared elf dudes. Eventually he is clever enough to apply to space-university. But the Dean (that crusty old Dean) of the space-university disses his mum, so he cuts open the Dean (that crusty old Dean)’s head and steals his powers of being old and crusty. He then runs away and joins up to the Rebel Alliance.

Meanwhile Anakin Kirk also joins the Rebel Alliance, because some old guy that looks like Lundy told him to.

Three years pass, really quickly.

Anakin tries to cheat on a test that Sylar made, and Sylar gets really moody, but instead of slicing his head open, he instead takes him to space-court. Then the Death Star attacks Sylar’s home world of Tatooine, so everyone scrambles to get to their space ships so they can go have a space war. Both Sylar and Anakin end up on the Millennium Falcon, but for some reason Agent Lundy Pike is in charge. But then Lundy wanders off and Sylar is put in charge.

The Death Star destroys Tatooine, and Anakin gets dumped on some ice planet. He gets stolen by an abominable snowman that keeps him upside down in a cave, and then tries to eat him. To stop it eating him, Anakin uses the force to get his lightsaber and he cuts off the creatures arm. He runs out blindly into a blizzard and get really chilly. Luckily Dennis Quaid shows up on a space-camel, and he kills it, and they cuddle up in its guts.

It turns out that Dennis Quaid is actually Sylar from the future, who came back in time along with the Romans. Luckily they meet up with Simon Pegg and Yoda, and because Simon Pegg is really clever, and they teleport back onto the Millennium Falcon. Anakin goes and taunts Sylar about his dead mum (Sylar stabbed her with some scissors ‘cos she had too many snowglobes) and Sylar goes all mental and levitates Anakin and slams him against the wall of the spaceship. Sylar then gives up on being captain, and Anakin gets the job, despite just being really unkind to Sylar.

Anakin then flies the Millennium Falcon towards Earth in an attempt to stop the Romans destroying the planet. Anakin and Sylar get over their differences, and are teleported onto the ship. When on the ship, Sylar steals the spaceship that belonged to his future self, played by Harrison Ford, and leads the Roman spaceship into deep space. Meanwhile Anakin rescues Captain Agent Lundy Pike, and Sylar gets a bit emo and crashes his ship into the Death Star. This makes a black hole, but luckily Simon Pegg manages to teleport Sylar, Agent Captain Pike Lundy and Anakin back onto the Millennium Falcon.

Everyone then goes home and are given medals. The crew of the Millennium Falcon go and celebrate with the Ewoks, and the surviving people of Tatooine work together to start a new colony.

Sylar from the future marries Princess Leia and Anakin gets given his own ship, and the film ends.


A few points. Why is it that in Star Trek, half of the aliens are just normal people with body paint and a bit of putty. Example, one ‘alien’ was just a normal person who was green. Vulcans, Romulans and Klingons are just people with nose and ear putty. But the other ‘aliens’ just look like people made out of lumps and tumours, like Hermiod.

NOW BYE!

A Failed Venture by Scarborough Council

Today Stephen and I went to the beach in search of the denizens of the deep, otherwise known as crabs and fish. We had a good collection of finds, all the crabs, most of the fish, including a star appearance by a sea snail (which is actually a type of fish).

Anyway, whilst walking back along the beach we noticed that on the horizon it was possible to make out a smudge against the blue sky. That smudge is the island of Tierra del Lego, otherwise known as the Lego Tierra del Fuego.

Last year Scarborough Council was in trouble. Tourism to Scarborough was dropping, and the summer season wasn’t bringing in enough money to even cover maintenance costs of roads and pavements. They were literally scrambling, like pigs in filth, for some sort of fund raising opportunity. That’s why, when the Lego Group (the company that makes Lego) proposed an idea, they agreed to it without properly thinking it over.

The idea proposed by the Lego Group was simple. What they wanted to do was build a full-scale model of Tierra del Fuego out of Lego bricks, and moor it in the sea to the east of Scarborough Castle. Doing so would serve two aims, to boost tourism to the region, and also make the world’s largest Lego model, as the completed island would cover 48,100 square kilometres.

All was going well, a two-man team undertook construction, and the island was completed within eight days. But then the problems started. Scarborough Council noticed a sub-clause in the contract they had signed, and were not happy with what it entailed. The Lego Group had made an agreement with a local scientist and entrepreneur for him to exhibit his creations on the island. Unfortunately Scarborough Council had dealt with this man before, and were exceedingly reluctant to have anything to do with him. Because of this, they pulled out of the project.

This would prove to be a great mistake. Neglecting the warnings that had been given, the Lego Group gave the go ahead for the local scientist’s part dinosaur, part Lego creations to be released onto the island. Within mere hours these monsters killed every single workman on the island.

The Lego Group responded by firing the local scientist, and mounting a clean-up operation to exterminate the cyborgal monstrosities. Unfortunately that very night a storm broke over Scarborough. The Lego group had no knowledge of storms, and decided the best course of action would be to tighten the mooring ropes keeping the island secure. If only the Council had been there to advise them! The best thing to do in a storm is loosen moorings!

All of the cables snapped, and the island was set free to float over the ocean. The clean-up crew was never heard from again, and the island has floated on the horizon ever since, a constant reminder of the Councils folly.


Passing sailors comment that strange beasts still roam the plastic landscape of Tierra del Lego even after a year has passed. Maybe they will breed, and that plastic prison will remain a haven for these monstrous creatures.

And the scientist who created these beasts? He left his research and became a caretaker at Scarborough University, forever known as Poor Man’s Richard Attenborough, and sadness follows him wherever he goes.


Me and Stephen will one day attempt to persuade a burly trawlerman to take us to the island so we can document it’s creatures. Until then….

BYE!

A Walk Through Town

I walked through town centre today, among the throngs of aimless shoppers, curious tourists, and people who just look generally unpleasant.

I saw the Jauntiest Busker, one of the Scarborough Legends. He can be recognised by the repetitive (but jaunty) tune he plays on the guitar, and the variety of different songs he manages to sing to that same tune. Honestly, I’ve heard him do Jingle Bells at Christmas, and Leaving on a Jet Plane the other week, both to the same tune on the guitar. You’ve got to be really jaunty to pull that off.


But then terror struck me! Whilst I had been ruminating on the Jauntiest Busker, I had walked into that most unpleasant of urban situations, charity workers. Without noticing I had walked within mere meters of four people who were unsuccessfully trying to get bank account details off passer-bys. Usually I would take evasive action well in advance, but it was too late now, what could I do?

I had to keep on walking; if they noticed me just stood there I would be a sitting duck. I tried to think of a plan. But no, I was too late. One peeled off from the pride and came over to me, smiling widely over his massive face. He knew he had me.

But then an idea came to me, possibly the worst idea ever. I would avoid his advances by pretending not to speak English.


“Hello!” He said. “Fancy pledging some money for some needy children?”

“Qui?” I replied hesitantly.

“Pardon?” He said.

“El donsprat tu von peterroll” I quickly retorted, cursing myself inwardly for my lack of knowledge about other languages.

“Do you speak any English?” He asked, looking vaguely uncomfortable. I loved that feeling of power.

“Funtort ist krimtoll, no, no English” I said, affecting a strange accent.

“Right, then okay.” He said, “Where’re you from?”

“Erm…. Burundi” I stuttered. And I walked away.

I don’t know if he believed me, but at least it was more awkward for him than it was for me.

Things that thappend today.

I saw a seagull with a foot missing today. It had a smooth rounded nub where it’s left foot should have been. It was stood on top of a wheelie bin. It’s remaining foot held it planted firmly to the spot, whilst it’s other leg kept sliding around on the smooth plastic.

I didn’t like it.



We went down to the amusements this evening, and Katie put some 2p’s into the 2p machines. I have a sneaking suspicion that the machines aren’t completely fair, and you are more likely to loose your money than win something.

Whilst in the amusements Stephen turned on me and tried to initiate a fight. I respond to this suggestion with aggression, and pounded his head against a plastic roulette table. Stephen then grabbed me by the hair and rubbed my face against some spikes that were there. I broke free of his grasp though, and pushed him into some acid, and his skin melted off.



Rachel bought Stephen a slinky, but on the back of the packaging it advertised a fart machine, endorsed by a gentleman called ‘Dr Steve’. Dr Steve is Stephen’s ‘cool name’ and because of this he is going to have to change it. I don’t have a cool name, so I decided to think of one. I think that Horatio Groovemaster would be a good ‘cool name’ to have.